“Run, Run, as Fast as You Can”

I hated running most of my life. In fact, a large part of me still hates it with a burning, fierce passion.

I played soccer as a child mostly for the social aspect and because all my friends and all the kids in the neighborhood were on teams. We were the Shooting Stars, and I played defense because 1) I had a powerful kick and 2) as I mentioned, I hated running. I was also overweight or obese most of my life, so a chubby kid running meant slow progress. I also had exercise-induced asthma, and just playing defense meant I had to take both inhalers. I can’t imagine what playing forward would have done.

Despite not really loving the game, I love my memories of it. I don’t remember much about my teammates other than our goalie, but I do remember my dad came to every game and used to be a fixture on my side of the field with our dogs on their leashes. Since my mother passed, I’ve thought a lot about my childhood and about how invested both my parents were. Every soccer game, every school play, help with every school project, and support every single day. I couldn’t have asked for more.

But running. Right.

When I was in the United Kingdom and looking to do something different for exercise, I decided to try Couch to 5K (or C25K). MyFitnessPal users had raved about the app, and I thought it sounded perfect for someone who hated running. Part of my distaste was because I couldn’t run. I was always picked last for kickball, and at field day I always had to run the longest distance which was for the slow kids. Maybe I’d progressed enough to be able to run. I knew I’d never be a speed demon, but it was a point of pride to just do it.

I got to the point where I could run a full 30 minutes in England, but then I hurt my back. After I moved back to the U.S., I casually picked it back up. There was no doubt I couldn’t exercise at the intensity I did before my back pain began, but I could take it easy.

This summer hasn’t been easy. Due to my Meniere’s Disease, I’ve had to work from home which is incredibly isolating. When I was working at the office, I began walking during my breaks. Sometimes, I could get 10,000 steps before I even left the office! So I began focusing on taking the dog for a walk at home. We developed a routine and a route. Then I decided that I wanted to spend even more time outside and pick up running again. I came to rely on that hour-long walk and subsequent 30-minute run (which is typically a 5-minute warm-up, 20-minute run, and 5-minute cool down; sometimes the run is a little longer). The running gave me a sense of control and pride. I could push through and make my body do this thing that I’d been unable to for so much of my life. I was slow, but even my FitBit recognized that I was running.

During one of the most difficult periods of my life where I’ve felt so out of control, running has helped me regain a little of that peace of mind. I can’t control my Meniere’s any more than I can with reduced salt and caffeine. I can’t control my joint pain other than taking my meds and avoiding certain foods. And I can’t control my back pain other than doing all the therapies I’m currently doing. Having a goal like completing a run helps me mentally (and obviously physically).